A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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