last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize