how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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