oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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