I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
