Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
