i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
