He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize