Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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