FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
