Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
