my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
