i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
