i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
