8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
