lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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