WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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