He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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