you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
