worst night to have a conscience
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Let's get the cat blown out
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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