I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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