i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
