and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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