is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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