How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
