You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
