Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
