Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
