dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
