i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
