So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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