every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
