I'm gonna have a badass scar
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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