I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
