She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize