How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We left an ass print on the piano.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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