...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
