my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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