she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
