why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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