Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
