i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
mondays should just be called national damage control day
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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