1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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