I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
