Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
