And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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