watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
