Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize