if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
