On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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