And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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