I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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