im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
