My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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