my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
