D3 body, D1 cock
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
