I think im going to throw up on grandma
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
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