She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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