you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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