oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
