remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
