You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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