When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
