who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
