Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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