i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just threw up on my dentist
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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