Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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