I can text with my tongue
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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