someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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