dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
