please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
