i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
