so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
