he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
