Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
